Helpful Hints For Your Day In Court

Tips for Not Getting Your Case Thrown Out of Court/Losing Your Case/Making Yourself Look The Fool
Or…Ways To Try and Win Your Case In Court or Not Even Have to Go To Court To Begin With…

(Inspired by my watching Judge Joe Brown today. For those of you unfamiliar, this is a half-hour, reality-based courtroom television show presided over by the wonderful Judge Brown).


When you’re being sued by someone for physical damages to their property (let’s say you keyed their car), DO NOT use “because I was mad” as a defense. Further, if you incur physical damages to the plaintiff themselves (let’s say you clocked someone in the head or punched them in the neck); again, using “because I was mad” will not fly. Your anger is not a defense for your actions. It may feel good at the time to key your boyfriend’s or girlfriend’s car because they cheated on you; it may feel good to punch someone in the neck for being generally annoying---but it’s going to cost you in the end if you’re taken to court. Come up with a better defense or just own up to your impulsive actions. Oh, and take an anger management class or get a hobby. (Plus, the criminal charges and all…blech)!

When someone takes you to court let’s say in this instance it’s a former friend who is suing you for a loan they made to you, the defense of “I couldn’t pay because I don’t have it” will not work. Some seem to think that this is a legitimate defense a la “you can’t get blood from a stone,” but it actually doesn’t work that way in court. Most likely, the judge will tell you to get a job and pay off the debt. Bonus points if you cross your arms over your chest and roll your eyes. The judge may throw on an interest penalty as well. Yeah for you!

You cannot dismiss a debt because the individual trying to collect on debt called you constantly. This is not harassment. This is not a reason to dismiss the debt. This is not pain and suffering. Here’s a solution…pay the person and then the calls will magically go away; and if they don’t, report it to the phone company for possible harassment.

You get into a spat with someone at work for whatever reasons. Let’s say that the amount of time you spent at work embroiled in this battle leads to your ultimate termination (oh, plus you have exceeding amounts of unexcused absences and got into a shouting match with said someone at work which involved the liberal and uncensored use of curse words). You take said someone to court for defamation, because the vicious battles at work led to your unemployed state and now you can’t get a job. Okay, defamation doesn’t really work this way. If you can’t get along with someone at work and said someone and you battle it out at work name-calling and gossiping, this is just juvenile behavior and not worthy of the court’s time. Defamation actually is, “the communication of a statement that makes a false claim, expressively stated or implied to be factual, that may harm the reputation of an individual, business, product, group, government or nation” (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Defamation). So, to be perfectly clear a cause for action for a defamation claim is truth. If someone calls you an idiot, it could be the truth and you really could be an idiot; hence, not a cause for civil action. On the flip side, if someone claims you have AIDS, you were a drug smuggler once, you beat your children daily, you steal from your customers and what not, and this verbal vomit causes you to lose your job---now, you possibly have a defamation case. Watch what you say people!

Let’s say you borrow your pal’s car to drive to the store. On your way while texting said pal, you crash said car. Telling the judge that you should be dismissed from the liability because it was your friend’s fault for you crashing the car because your friend let you use the car and your friend knew you were a bad driver without a license is not a defense. I think of this as the “Animal House” defense…(pardon the language here, I’m quoting Eric ‘Otter’ Stratton)…”You fucked up, you trusted us.” As funny as that may be, the judge will not be laughing. Even if your friend knew you were a horrible driver with no license and they let you use the car anyway, it is still not their fault you crashed the car. The operative word here is “you.” You crashed the car. It’s your fault, and now, you must pay. Sorry. That’s how the law works, although, again, it would be interesting if we could use the “Animal House” defense.

§ Me: “Can I borrow your ridiculously expensive car to drive around like an idiot and talk on my cell phone and blast my music so loud that the car vibrates from the sound of the bass in the speakers?”
§ You: “Well, do you know how to drive my particular model of ridiculously expensive car?”
§ Me: “Nah, I’ve never driven a stick shift before in my life.”
§ You: “Okay. Just be careful.”
§ Me: (minutes later) “I told you I never drove stick shift before. Really, I told you that. It’s your fault I crashed pulling away from the house. That squirrel came out of nowhere. You shouldn’t have let me drive it. Sorry. You’re fault, not mine.

Nope, it’s still your fault. Not your friend’s bad decision.


Sure, I have more tips for court; but, I’ll leave it at these for now….